GRIEF…
It's been many years since I have blogged. On December 30,2014 my world was completely wrecked by the loss of my chaos partner and husband Jay Jordan Jr. I began a journey in that second that I NEVER could have imagined. A journey into the land of grief that is completely wild and unchartered by each of its victims. Grief sucks you under like a raging undertow. One minute you are moving along just fine and the next minute you are begging for a breath and trying to keep your head above water just long enough to catch a breath but it is merciless and won't allow it. The grief undertow tangles your thoughts into a mass of destructive and sad devastation. Your heart breaks in your chest over and over again until breathing seems like an enemy. Depression sneaks its ugly grimy head in and tells you that you are lonely and miserable and won't ever be happy again. The tears…they just come streaming and you can't hold them back, like a flood of betrayal and vulnerability of your most secret places. Grief has etched it's name on my heart with a JJJ.
GRACE…
The very word that brings me to my knees.
There are song lyrics that say, "if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." I have had that reverberating in my brain for the last week. Grace has rushed in on me like a hug from God. God rained grace down and it completely changed my heart. It was like a life preserver thrown out at the desperate moment of being consumed. Another hurt, another loss, another good-bye that is viciously more painful than any had been prior to the open wound in my heart…but GRACE! Beautiful grace. Rising like a phoenix out of the ashes with a beautiful display of God and hope, reminding me that I am not in this alone for one second. God has planned and prepared every single second of this journey. His grace has reminded me that even though JJJ will always be etched into my heart, it won't always be gushing blood and crushed. Grace will restore HOPE, LOVE, JOY. Grace will bring it's salve of mercy and life to my tender broken grief stricken heart and slowly heal this wound in the purest form. Not as though it never existed, you see, because that wound is special and it shifted time and my life, but in a deeper purer way. Grace has rinsed me with refreshing life.
