ODE TO JAY JORDAN

It has been a year…365 days of post Jay Jordan world.  11:35 p.m. on Dec 29, 2014 I could've never imagined being here, but at 12:03 a.m. Dec 30, 2014, it was a journey I was thrust into.  I entered into the Valley of the Shadow of Death for the second time in my life.  I stumbled and cried my way through many months of regurgitating every detail of our marriage and relationship.  The day that you called me the first time and introduced yourself as though I wasn't going to remember you.  Jay, you were always a presence that no one ever forgot. The night you told me that I was a salad…that I'd be good for you. The days you'd play "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" from the Ramones. The first time you told me that you loved me and we weren't even dating, yet. You had your eyes, heart and life set on me from the very beginning.  Thank you.
You married me with a little dude in tow that you took in as your own without one second thought.  He was as precious to you as I was. Three weeks after we married we were pregnant with Nyah.  You fell in love like you had never experienced.  It was beautiful and you were willing to ride the journey along with me that God gave us to make lots of soldiers for Him.  With each blessing, you fell more in love.  Nyah, then Hammuel and then Rebekah (which you told me that I ruin everything by knowing already) so God threw us a complete surprise with Shiloh! You didn't speak for a week, which was unheard of from you! But we journeyed on with all these gifts. Your heart for loving your children always made me appreciate you, even when I didn't like you. You were a fabulous dad and your kids love you and miss you and honor you.
You were there through all the crazy things that I wanted to do.  You always supported me and journeyed along with me.  No matter how insane or out of the box or impossible it seemed, you helped me pull it off.  God blessed us.  He honored our work together. Every year of our marriage was a challenge!
We fought like crazy.  Frankly, you were a complete asshole much of the time! You were Jay about so many things.  Only someone who was intimate with you could appreciate how difficult that was to love.  Greg told me the morning I called him about your death and he told me that I had managed to love a man that NO ONE else had ever been able to love, even his parents. How true that was and it was salve to my broken heart. You thought like no one that I had/have ever met. It was certainly Jesus who kept this crazy train together!! But you were as dedicated as I was, sometimes maybe more than I was.
You made so many cool things.  You were an artist through and through and I think our artists hearts beat in a beautiful unison.  Sometimes I think that the artwork was one of the uncompleted things in our relationship.  You could fabricate anything.  Your eye for detail and your out of the box thinking made for some awesome creations and Halloween costumes. The art that oozed from your being never ceased to amaze me and help me to appreciate you.
Your love for Christ and others taught me so much.  I had never been around anyone that had such a raw relationship with Christ.  You taught me how to see people for people and not for their presumed merit.  You taught me to love in a new way. A deeper way. Your heart was that everyone could have a peace on this earth, full of torment and devastation, through Christ.  It was beautiful to watch  you love on people that no one else would have even looked at. I was always inspired by the way you loved.
For a while after you passed, I could still see you closely in the rearview mirror.  It seemed like the kids and I were just moving forward and you were watching us go. But I can't look back and go forward.  I rest in the fact that God had your days marked and YOU ARE COMPLETED.  There is NOTHING undone here on this earth for you. I will let you go. You will never be forgotten…even with the good-bye.  You will always be a presence that you made when you created legacies.  I will honor God and keep my face toward Him. God didn't bring me into the Valley to leave me here unchanged and boy! if you only knew how much he has healed in my heart! As I walk out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I ponder this...

When Christ went to his grave he had peace and rightness with his relationships. Your obedience to see me as a broken little girl and my obedience to honor and respect you brought perfect peace and healing for our marriage. We bid a final farewell with "I love you."

Love worth having

I went to a Bible study last week and we were discussing the book of Revelation.  I had a light bulb moment!! A true OH MY GOODNESS THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE MOMENT! My last post was about "ride or die" relationships and how I have always had a thing, an attraction, to them.  I never really understood why that was but my "ah-ha!" moment solidified that it was deception and crappy mimicking of truth.
Throughout the Bible, we Christians are referred to as the "bride of Christ" and he, the groom. An imagery of a perfect relationship.  The "ride or die" relationship.  Sticking it out through thick and thin in the name of love.  The perfect relationship.  No matter how unfaithful the bride is, the groom always comes to rescue her.  For love. The perfect unblemished love.  A redeeming and holy love that is really hard for us to wrap our finite minds around. So why all the divorce and corruption in marriage?
AH-HA! Of course….Satan! How did I overlook it??? He has always wanted to be God and since he can't be and isn't, he has nothing left than to be second fiddle, pseudo creator, a twisted mimicker. In Revelation, we are introduced to the anti-Christ and his Babylon.  The sickness of co-dependency.  He needs her.  She needs him. He loathes her and her beautiful seductress ways to the point of destruction. He destroys her. Sound familiar? Well, it does to me!! I have been in that relationship more times than I could have imagined.  The "ride or die" that almost kills you.  The sick mindset that somehow you can love him/her enough to change/help them.  The twisted idea that love is wrapped in sex and lust and somehow it will fulfill, yet at the end of the day we are just as empty as we started. Destroyed. Again. Divorce. Adultery. Shame. Heartbroken. Farther and farther away from the truth that there is a love that isn't sick and that won't corrupt, but a love that is redeeming and fresh.  I see it a lot.  People clinging on to relationships so they won't be alone, because they've already given everything they have, because it seems comfortable.  So many reasons that people are losing hope in a genuinely safe love.  Where are all the good men? Why are all the women crazy? These are the questions I hear seeking hearts ask quite often. Corruption of true love is the answer to those questions.  There is a better answer…
JESUS! He is a redeeming, self sacrificing, forgiving, gracious, merciful, compassionate, honorable, trustworthy partner! He will never leave you with the feeling of being taken advantage of. He is safe to give your all to and fully give in.  It is THE SCARIEST thing to do when all you have ever known is the corruption of a false love and it has wrecked your heart.  See, the goal is to wreck your heart.  Destroy you! Make you feel as though love is unattainable so that you will continue to fall helplessly down the rabbit hole of deception instead into the arms of redemption. It is safe to fall into Christ.  You can trust.  Cannoli! TRUST! That may currently be the scariest term for any person I know.
You are not doomed to a sick co-dependent relationship because Jesus did the work on the cross to prove it.  He died that you may live.  So live in love by walking in His ways and let yourself be loved by Him. Let your heart be redeemed by a genuine and truly deep love that is safe.  Your heart will thank you. JESUS!

Ride or Die

Growing up I always romanticized the "ride or die" relationship.  My first obsession was Syd and Nancy (I'm sure we could psycho analyze that with some serious issues. :) ) I loved "Thelma and Louise" and pretty much all the other relationships that had the "me and you against the world" theme.  In my heart I wanted someone to love me enough that no matter how hard, how ugly, how impossible the situation was, they would never ever leave me.  I longed to know that when I felt the world crumble around me, there was that ONE person who would make it all better.
It seemed that all the relationships in my life failed at this consistently.  My father died, my friends wavered, my ex-husband violated covenant, and then Jay…well, he died too. It wasn't that any of them were "ride or die" folks, it was that they couldn't be who I needed. EVER.  Not one of these people were capable of fulfilling my need for "come hell or high water, we are sticking this out together" because they were just as prone to falling or breaking as I am.  They are fallible.
I do have a "ride or die" relationship though.  It's with Jesus Christ.  I have never been alone in any one second of any trial I have ever faced.  I have had grace to fall and be caught.  I have had mercy to be delivered from serious consequences that could have wrecked my life.  I have been given peace where no peace would've ever been found.  I have been given life in the middle of the valley of the shadow of death.  I have been given restoration to a heart that was broken by seeking a "ride or die" outside of Jesus.  I am thankful and in awe that He is willing to walk every place my heart, mind, body and spirit travel.
So, to whomever I journey this next chapter of my life with.  You are off the hook! I am praying for you; for your heart, mind, body and spirit. You do not have to "ride or die" with me but please "ride or die" with Jesus!

Air balloons and Affairs

What could air balloons and affairs possibly have to do with each other? I know it sounds silly…but I am going to attempt to explain my revelation and hope that maybe, just maybe, it will challenge you in this journey.

Let me tell you about air balloons.  We all have a role to play in this little allegory.  We are either: the balloon, flame, or anchor.  The balloon represents the dreamers, the entrepreneurs, the wild ones. The flame represents the ones who can follow through and lead strongly, the risk takers who weigh things out well, the fiery ones able to captivate a balloon.  The anchor represents the cornerstones. The ones who will never change if they don't have to and can continue to do the same things year after year without being bored. Each element is important in different ways.  There are complimentary parts and excruciatingly painful differences.  If a balloon and a flame marry, well, most likely there will be a long standing sense of adventure that is very satisfying.  If 2 air balloons marry, who's leading? If there are 2 anchors, they will possibly be happy together in their consistency with little change in their future.

But…if an air balloon marries an anchor, there is sure to be disaster ahead! The gigantic scarlet A lies in wait for the victim of…boredom; complacency; death to dreams! The air balloon is a dreamer and must have their dreams fed with fire.  When a couple first meets, dreaming is a natural state to that relationship.  What will the future look like? How many kids? Big dreams on living arrangements and the air balloon is soaring higher and higher and feels excited and compelled and most likely can't get enough of the flame lapping away inside the air ballon's dreams…but then one day, the anchor settles.  The air balloon is ok with standing still long enough to get ready for the next adventure.  The air balloon anticipates the continued journey through life with new views and perspectives and scenery that challenges and paints the eye with an array of images so stimulating that the air balloon is lost in the amazement. BUT the anchor has no intention on going anywhere…maybe ever.  Maybe.  But maybe not.  In time, the air balloon flat and uninspired begins to look desperately for a flame that will make it rise to it's former beauty.  Desperate, the air balloon will go to dark places, the places where affairs happen and steal your dreams and hopes and futures looking for the adventure that it was created for.  It's beauty, of course, never shines more vibrantly than when it is fully inflated by fire.

Never quit dreaming! Never quit feeding the flame of adventure.  Let your spouse be your place of comfort and your  home.  Never make a physical place become more important or critical than the person that you vowed to make first forever.

Acceptance is an Illusion

I am participating in a Grief Share support group to help me map this insane mind screw called grief.  It has helped me so much make sense of the crazy in this Valley of the Shadow of Death.  As I toddled through my brain tonight, listening, attempting to link the fragments of my heart and mind to the truth that I know is there…acceptance reared it's ugly head.  Acceptance.  A.C.C.E.P.T.A.N.C.E.  Huh.  ?  

Well, let's see. Once, maybe not so long ago, when people died, that was it.  They were dead. Gone.  You didn't ever hear their voice again or see them moving around. There was no lingering of their essence to confuse the brain. All you had left were memories that faded with time and a dent in your heart where their name was etched. It was definitive.  There was an end…a point to accept. But today...
I have videos, voicemails, pictures, Facebook, YouTube, and a variety of other mediums to keep him very much alive.  It's how millions of people every year fall in love with Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley.  Sure, there is no new record or movie.  There isn't anything new to talk about…but the acceptance never really has to settle in because we have kept them alive through recordings.  Sure, Jay wasn't famous and most people will never care about him but our quite substantially large family, but accepting that he is never going to been seen this side of heaven is hard.  I will occasionally check his Facebook…nothing new.  Check my voicemails…nothing new.  I am thankful for those relics…I think. It can make the loss seem not so far away.  It can make "acceptance" more of a variable than an absolute. Time will keep moving on and there will never be any new to Jay.  He will always be 38 and too young to be dead. But more than anything, I hope that one day, I can delete, erase or let go of some of these things that keep him alive.  Not because I have quit missing him or him loving his babies, but because I will have accepted that he is, indeed, dead. Gone.  It is a gift and a curse to be able to have so much recorded of our loved ones.  The gift is that they are alive in the memory and the curse is that they are alive in the memory even in death (I am not referring to a spiritual issue). I have accepted that I am no longer married.  I have accepted that things have changed.  I have accepted that he is dead…I think.

The wrong enemy

I watched a movie last night about the Vietnam War era.  The "hippies" in the movie were hating on the soldiers.  They would say slanderous things if the soldiers passed by.  They were against the soldiers fighting for their freedom in the battle that they thought was pointless.  Then a revelation came to one of the "hippie" girls as she fell in love with one of the soldiers that, indeed the soldier wasn't the enemy.  The battle was the enemy and the soldiers were there to do the best they can and hopefully come out alive.

I have seen this same premise in the spiritual battleground.  Sinners hating on the spiritual soldiers.  The very people fighting for their freedom.  The people with enough love and gall to call them out on their sin.  The sinners will slander them and call them self righteous.  Yet, the sinner is too chicken to go into battle for themselves and they are often wrapped up in a mess of life. The spiritual soldier sees that the battle is noble…even if it may seem pointless at the time. The spiritual soldier would rather die in the fight than sit around and question if they have made an impact, while the sinner would rather die in vain.

I know I have had times in my life where I was against the right person and defending the wrong person.  I stood on shaky ground ready to defend myself from someone trying to love on me and help guide me off shaky ground.  Thankfully, today I am standing on that solid ground and in the trenches of the battle with them.  My life has never been more fulfilled, nor my purpose so great, as to fight along with my fellow spiritual soldiers in a battle that is raging for a war already won!

Grief and Grace

GRIEF…
It's been many years since I have blogged.  On December 30,2014 my world was completely wrecked by the loss of my chaos partner and husband Jay Jordan Jr.  I began a journey in that second that I NEVER could have imagined. A journey into the land of grief that is completely wild and unchartered by each of its victims. Grief sucks you under like a raging undertow.  One minute you are moving along just fine and the next minute you are begging for a breath and trying to keep your head above water just long enough to catch a breath but it is merciless and won't allow it.  The grief undertow tangles your thoughts into a mass of destructive and sad devastation.  Your heart breaks in your chest over and over again until breathing seems like an enemy.  Depression sneaks its ugly grimy head in and tells you that you are lonely and miserable and won't ever be happy again.  The tears…they just come streaming and you can't hold them back, like a flood of betrayal and vulnerability of your most secret places.  Grief has etched it's name on my heart with a JJJ.

GRACE…
The very word that brings me to my knees.
There are song lyrics that say, "if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." I have had that reverberating in my brain for the last week.  Grace has rushed in on me like a hug from God.  God rained grace down and it completely changed my heart.  It was like a life preserver thrown out at the desperate moment of being consumed.  Another hurt, another loss, another good-bye that is viciously more painful than any had been prior to the open wound in my heart…but GRACE! Beautiful grace.  Rising like a phoenix out of the ashes with a beautiful display of God and hope, reminding me that I am not in this alone for one second.  God has planned and prepared every single second of this journey.  His grace has reminded me that even though JJJ will always be etched into my heart, it won't always be gushing blood and crushed.  Grace will restore HOPE, LOVE, JOY.  Grace will bring it's salve of mercy and life to my tender broken grief stricken heart and slowly heal this wound in the purest form.  Not as though it never existed, you see, because that wound is special and it shifted time and my life, but in a deeper purer way.  Grace has rinsed me with refreshing life.